2021 is the first year in my life where I embraced being single. Due to lockdowns and the world being a bit crazy, it was actually also the first year where I had nothing going on in my romantic life - no crushes, no dating, no chatting to guys - and it taught me so much about myself. I’ve been single my whole life (I know, shocker!), but it has taken me a while to actually be okay with it and not feel like something was wrong with me.
We live in a society that puts a huge amount of pressure on people to be romantically involved with others. Having a significant other is expected of you, and if you don’t have one you should be on the hunt for one. At family gatherings, you will often be asked about your romantic life and be told some kind of off-putting comment if you admit to being single. But we are more than our relationship status. Whether we are single, married, divorced, dating, in a long-term relationship, or in a ‘situationship’, does not define our worth.
I believe that everyone should be properly single at least once in their life, to get to know themselves, to grow and build their values, without someone else’s input, to become their own person. Being single is often seen as a bad thing, but it’s really not. Quite the opposite actually. And I want to help you live your best single life, until you meet someone who you want to share your path with. And you will find someone, because you’re fucking amazing. So enjoy these tips and share any of your own in the comments below.
You are not behind
There is nothing wrong with you if you are currently single. And you are not behind anyone else either, because we are all on our own path. Sure, some people marry their high school or university sweetheart, others meet their partner at work or at a party in their 20s, some people jump from relationship to relationship and seem to always have someone. And that’s fine too. But it’s not the be-all-end-all, there is more to life than having a partner. Look back on your life and look at all the amazing things you have accomplished.
Maybe most of the people you knew in school are married or engaged and have children, but you published a book, or completed a university degree, or travelled the world, or started a blog, or have seen your favourite artists in concert, or have moved to a new city and made a fresh start, or have made true friends that love you for you.
There is so much more to life than being with someone, so make sure you realise just how many things you have accomplished and will continue to do so. You are on your own path, shape it the way you want to.
Don’t feel pressured to start dating
Being single isn’t about waiting for your next relationship to come along. The goal is not to find a partner as soon as possible. You are allowed to - and probably should - take a small break from dating if you’ve just gotten out of a relationship or it didn’t work out with the person you were seeing.
You are also allowed to not enjoy dating. I’m not a fan of online dating, of chatting to different guys simultaneously, of going on loads of shitty dates. It’s not for me, and that’s okay. And if you love the thrill of dating, that’s great too. Find whatever makes you comfortable once you are ready to mingle. Whether it be online dating, meeting people in pubs, asking friends to set you up or rather waiting until you meet someone unexpectedly, it’s your life so you can do whatever you want.
I will say this though: you’re not going to meet someone by just sitting at home all day. Prince(ss) Charming isn’t going to just walk into your house - that would be creepy and stalker-ish. So make sure you can be seen. Go out with friends, go to the library, sit in cafes, join clubs… go to places where you can meet new people. And for all the girls reading this, follow @benjamindaly on Instagram, he has great advice!
Do what you want to do
Being single is great because you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, without needing to check with someone else first - you can put yourself and your wishes first! You want to travel somewhere in two days? Do it! You want to spend the weekend outside, hiking? Go for it. You want to get a cat? Being single and getting a cat will not turn you into a crazy cat lady, don’t worry. You want to buy a car or a house? Do it. You want to start a new hobby or join an evening class? Go for it! You want to get even more throw pillows for your bed? No one can stop you.
Whatever you want to do, no matter how big or small, just do it. You can be selfish and decide things for yourself. This is the time for you to work towards your goals, to do what you want. Do that thing you’ve been putting off for ages - whether that’s cleaning out your shed, writing that book or starting to paint.
Spend time with your friends and family
Just because you don’t have a significant other does not mean that your social life has to be non-existent. Meet up with your friends more often, arrange a visit to see your parents or siblings. When you’re single, you have more time to spend with your loved ones, so make the most of it.
I do not condone people only seeing their significant other when they are in a relationship, you need to still have your own friends and do things with people who aren’t your partner. But relationships take time and effort, and it’s an extra person you’re adding to your existing circle of loved ones. So enjoy being able to focus on the people that are already in your circle - and don’t forget that while relationships can come and go, these people will be by your side, so let them know how much you appreciate them.
Learn to enjoy your own company
Do you know who you’re going to be stuck with the longest in your life? You. You have to be with yourself 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year… you get the idea. If you are going to be spending so much time with yourself, you might as well start enjoying your own company. If you struggle to just be with yourself, then you need to work things out. There are a multitude of reasons why we might struggle to be alone; anxiety, depression or low self-esteem can all impact how we feel about ourselves.
Working on resolving these issues will have a positive impact on your entire life, so it’s really worth your time and energy. You can try going to therapy, find self-help books (find some suggestions here and here), start journalling… The end goal is to be comfortable being alone and enjoying the time you have by yourself, where it’s just you and your thoughts. We need moments of quiet to process things, to recharge our batteries and to just breathe.
Get to know yourself properly, what you enjoy doing just for you, and spend time doing those things. Take yourself out to the cinema or for coffee. Spend hours reading your favourite books, have movie nights and takeaway, go on walks while listening to your favourite podcast or audiobook. Do things that make you happy and enjoy being with yourself - you can’t not be around yourself, so make it fun!
Focus on you
As I have mentioned before, this is the time to be with yourself, and it’s also the time to work on becoming a better version of yourself. This does not mean that there is anything wrong with you - you are enough just the way you are. But developing our minds, understanding who we really are, and dealing with anything that is putting us down are a continuous part of life.
It’s easy to get stuck in one place, in one mindset. So challenge yourself to think differently, to question your reality and see if there is anything that you could change in your daily life that would bring you more peace. Taking time to practice mindful activities such as journalling or meditating is a great place to start. You can also have a look at the 2 lists of self-help books I linked above.
Feeling lonely
While it may sound utterly ridiculous, the only thing that can help if you are feeling lonely is spending time alone. Feelings of loneliness have nothing to do with how many people surround us, or whether we are single or in a relationship. Feeling lonely is an internal problem that you need to address and can only resolve yourself. No one can swoop in and remove these feelings. You might feel them less when someone is around, but that’s only because they are distracting you from those thoughts and feelings.
There’s a lot to say about loneliness, enough to write an entire blog post - which I did, and you can read it here.
Know your worth
The worst thing you could do to yourself is to be with someone who isn’t right or good for you, just for the sake of being with someone. You are worthy of respect and you are worthy of love. You deserve to feel safe, to feel taken care of, to feel like you can be who you really are without fear of judgement, and to feel supported in what you do.
The people you choose to have in your life will have a huge impact on you, so choose them wisely. Don’t allow people to walk all over you and make you feel like shit. People who aren’t there to support you, who put you down and who make you question yourself are toxic and not worth your time.
When you are single, it’s important that you have standards and that you know what you are (not) looking for in a relationship. You can be as picky as you want, and anyone telling you otherwise is full of shit. The only person who is allowed to decide how low or high your standards are is you. Just please do me one favour: don’t forget how awesome you are and that you deserve a loving and supportive partner.
Love yourself
I think this is the 3rd time I am mentioning this in 4 days - oops. But it goes to show just how important loving yourself truly is. It links back to every aspect of your life. Nurturing the relationship you have with yourself and being kind to yourself is crucial to your well-being. It will also determine how confident you are, what kind of people you have around you and how you value yourself.
It’s a long road and takes time and patience, but the sooner you start, the easier it will get. Accept that you are not perfect - no one is - but that you are enough, that your imperfections make you who you are and that you are worthy of good things. Start by trying to change your thoughts. If a negative thought about yourself pops into your head, change it into a positive one. Rather than thinking ‘I’m so lazy’, say ‘I’m feeling unmotivated’ and try to understand why you feel that way. Are you tired? Having an off day? Are you feeling ill? From there, you can try to find solutions. Another example, turn ‘I’m ugly, no wonder no one wants to be with me’ into ‘no matter what I look like or how I feel about my body, it has gotten me through so much and is worthy of love’. This will get easier the more you do it.
Gratitude is also a great tool for turning negative thoughts into positive ones. You can find a whole post I wrote about loving yourself here if you would like to read more about it. I also really recommend reading ‘What a Time to be Alone’ by Chidera Eggerue.
A bit of a longer post today, but I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful. It ended up taking a lot longer to write than I thought it would, so I hope I was able to articulate myself properly. If you want to read a post about being the single friend and how to handle that, click here. Thank you for reading Day 4 of ‘7 Days of Relatable Sunday’ and I shall see you tomorrow.
Yours truly,
Maeve