Since I was a young girl, I always found myself either being compared or comparing myself to others. It's such a toxic trait, yet most of us are taught this in childhood - through standardised tests, media, backgrounds, etc. But as Theodore Roosevelt said, "comparison is the thief of joy". It truly is. So how about we stop comparing our lives to others' and instead just love ourselves the way we are and the journey that we are on? I have been working on this for years. And I can finally say that I am in a good place with it. Here are the main tips I have and I hope they will help you. Before we get to the post, you're amazing the way you are.
Movies
What we see in movies is - more often than not - NOT what real life is like. It’s dramatised, painted in an unrealistic light to make it more “entertaining”. It starts when we’re very young and grow up watching kids shows on TV; the actors depicting teens, however, are often much older than the character they play. This can affect young people by making them question themselves and their lives: why don’t I look like that? Why don’t I have such a large group of friends? Why have I not experienced that yet? This, and much more, can really impact us and carry over into our adult lives.
If you catch yourself spiralling and comparing your life to a movie, take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s just that: a movie. These people are actors, behind a camera, with dozens of crew around them and reciting lines that someone else wrote for them. It is there to entertain you, not dictate how you should live your life. Thankfully, some recent movies and shows depict much more realistic storylines. If you haven’t already, you should watch Sex Education. It’s a fantastic, realistic show that tackles issues many of us face in our late teens and early adulthood - and not only relating to sex. It’s really funny, has a great cast and one of the main characters is also named Maeve, like me! I’m not biased at all, lol.
Friends and family
We tend to compare ourselves to whatever we are exposed to. As mentioned above, movies and TV shows can really impact our thoughts and how we see ourselves. Another aspect that can impact this is the people that are in your immediate surroundings, especially friends and family. I have often found myself looking at my best friends and wishing I had what they had, whether that be a lovely family with both parents still together, a partner or a "perfect" body (all bodies are perfect, my younger self just did not accept what she looked like). Even nowadays I find myself sometimes longing for something that one of my friends, family members or colleagues has. However, when I reach that point, I know that it's my mind saying that it's not okay. More on that later.
Feeling envious or jealous of loved ones makes my skin crawl. Because the thing is, I am happy for them and I wish them all the best. These negative feelings end up tarnishing the positive ones though. I could probably write a whole post on that, but I will keep it short for now. What really helped me when I was feeling like this a lot was therapy - again, more on that later - as well as this one particular podcast episode I listened to last year. It's the episode "How To Deal With Jealousy" from The Debrief Podcast. This is the kind of episode that you will remember for months. It really helped me put things into perspective and feel less alone. I hope you will find it helpful too!
Social media
Chances are, I am not the first person to mention social media when it comes to comparing ourselves to others. It is well known that social media, especially visual platforms such as Instagram and YouTube, can make us go down this rabbit hole of negativity. It has a lot to do with FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and feeling like people around you are living such amazing, happy and fulfilled lives while you're sitting there, wallowing in your sadness. Thankfully, we are now seeing many more "real" content on social media: people that share the downs as well as the ups, the use of Photoshop and filters being called out, and the diversification of our feeds.
With all of that being said, it is still important for you to remember that social media is media: the content that is put out is controlled, selected and doesn't often show the whole picture. It's a curated version of someone's life. People choose what to put out into the world. So don't let what you see on someone's page bring you down. You don't know what's going on behind the camera. We're all human and we all struggle with different things. And the number of followers someone has does not change that.
Also, unfollow accounts that make you feel shit and follow the ones that bring positivity to your life.
Practice more self-care
Comparing yourself to others isn't something you do if you are happy and content with what you have. Usually, you wind up comparing yourself because of low self-esteem. Rather than believe that you are enough and you are deserving of good things, you start thinking about all the things you don't have - almost like you're proving a point to your insecure self. For example, you could see an acquaintance on Facebook put up that they are in a relationship; to which your insecure self will say something like, " oh look, she's in a relationship too. I'm the only one that isn't because I'm not pretty/smart/funny enough for anyone to like me".
If this sounds familiar to you and you often find yourself spiralling like this, there is probably a deeper issue that you may need to address. What I thought were feelings of loneliness, jealousy and sadness were, in fact, all linked to low self-esteem I had, unknowingly, been dealing with for years. It's tough and feeling low like this is really shit. However, with the right tools, you can get to the bottom of it. For me, it was therapy and learning to be more self-compassionate. For someone else it might be practising self-care on a daily basis, journaling, opening up to a loved one... The options are endless and you just need to find whatever works for you. And you will.
Be your own person
Even though you have already heard this a million and ten times, I will hit you with another lovely, cheesy quote: "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." I bet you didn't know that the great Oscar Wilde (he's Irish too!) actually said this. You learn something new every day, eh? You're welcome.
In all seriousness though, I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be yourself. This holds true for many reasons, the main one being that playing a character is fucking exhausting! You have more important things to be putting your energy into, so please stop being someone else in order to please others. This brings me to my next reason: if people don't like the real you, they don't deserve you. It's as simple as that. You deserve to be surrounded by people that love and care about you, not the role you play. And trust me, you will find people that do. I am honestly very annoying, clingy and really not funny, especially when I try to be. And I still have some amazing friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. There are 7 billion people on this planet, you are not doomed to be forever alone and find people you share things with.
Everyone has their own path
This links back to my previous point. We are all different and there is no reason to pretend to be someone you are not. Just be yourself and accept that your life will be different than other peoples' lives. We all experience different things, at different times. One person might get married at the age of 21 while someone else launches their own business at the same age. And yet another person might be in the middle of studying at that time in their life. We all have different paths in life. So just because you don't have what someone else has at the same age or you are not where they are, that doesn't mean that you did something wrong.
Trust that you are living your life. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason so just go with the flow and see where life takes you. You can have the life that you want, you just need to believe it and trust that things will end up working out for the best.
People envy you, too
There isn't much to add to this, but it is true. I promise you that there is at least one person that envies something that you have. Someone has looked at you and thought "I wish I had their nose/hair/style/dog/partner/laugh/freckles/shoes/friends/job/confidence/kindness/humour..." - I promise.
Advancing Eve
If you have been following me for a while, you will be aware that I am currently interning with Advancing Eve, who specialises in helping women achieve their goals. This company was founded to encourage women helping each other out, rather than tear each other down - as was said by the wonderful co-founder, Lara. If you are a woman, I strongly suggest you follow them on Instagram and sign up to their newsletter here. Their website will be going live soon, so stay tuned for that.
Remember, we are stronger together so let's not compare ourselves to others, but rather accept and be happy that we are all unique and amazing in our own ways. I hope that this post was somewhat helpful. Please feel free to comment your thoughts down below or message me on Instagram. I hope you have a lovely week and I shall see you next Sunday with a brand new website!!! Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. Take care!
Yours truly,